ACT ONE, SCENE ONE, TWILIGHT

JIMINY is sitting in front of a TELEVISION drinking a BEER and enjoying what's on.  He is in the LIVING ROOM of his ramshackled home. Tchotchkes and numerous eclectic items are all over. A GARDEN GNOME. A FRONT GRILL FROM A VERY OLD CAR. It's dusk outside. A RAINSTORM with thunder and lighting is in full bloom, but Jiminy doesn't even notice. He laughs and laughs at the TV. Watches some more and laughs so hard that he spits up beer. A CAR can be HEARD pulling up outside. LIGHTS from the vehicle come through A WINDOW. The ENGINE shuts off the CAR DOOR OPENS and then CLOSES.

Jiminy immediately hits the mute button on the TV REMOTE. And sits silently watching, snickering and occasionally having to cover his mouth.

ELAINE (From outside. KNOCKS on the DOOR.) Hello? Hello?! Jim? (JIMINY cringes at this.) Are you home? (Beat. Talking to herself outside.) Ah, I'm soaking wet. Jeez. Mosquitos! This is a swamp. (Beat. POUNDS on DOOR again.) Hello! Hello!

LIGHTS FROM ANOTHER CAR strike the window, another ENGINE can be heard.
JIMINY keeps watching the TV but does not answer.
The second car ENGINE turns off. That CAR'S DOOR OPENS and CLOSES. Another CAR DOOR OPENS and CLOSES.

SHERRY: (From outside.) Hi. Who are you?

ELAINE:  I'm here to see Jim.

SHERRY: Jim? You actually know him?

ELAINE: Practically a sister.

SHERRY: (RINGING THE DOORBELL, which makes a strange SOUND.) Jiminy! You home?
Jiminy, I know you're home. It's Saturday night. You don't go nowhere Saturday night. C'mon open the door. We're getting drenched out here.

JIMINY continues to ignore them.

SHERRY (cont'd): I got the lottery numbers!

JIMINY: (Gets up and rushes to the DOOR.) Why didn't you just cut to the damn chase?

JIMINY opens the door.

SHERRY: It was a last resort baiting before I left. I figured if you were here, it would work.

SHERRY ENTERS. ELAINE FOLLOWS in ONE HIGH HEEL. JIMINY STOPS ELAINE.

JIMINY: (To Elaine.) Who are you?

SHERRY: She's practically your sister.

ELAINE: Elaine. (She sticks out her hand to shake. Jiminy looks at her quizzically.) Holden's girlfriend. Well, almost his fiancee. Well, almost your sister (Beat.) In law.

SHERRY: Shoot. You're nearly kin. Give her a hug, boy. And we'll both take a towel.

JIMINY: (He stiff arms ELAINE and shakes her hand. Exits off stage. From offstage.) Clean ones, right?

ELAINE: Preferably.

SHERRY: Bring an extra please.

JIMINY RE-ENTERS carrying THREE TOWELS.

ELAINE: Good idea. One for my hair--

SHERRY snatches two towels, leaving JIMINY holding one out to ELAINE, who takes it.

SHERRY: Got a different need for this one. Sorry.

JIMINY: Ahem, you said something about numbers.

SHERRY: I don't have no damn numbers.

JIMINY: Well, what the --

SHERRY: Come on. It's no different than that Purple Fuzzy Skitter fly you toss out on the Snoquamish River hoping to reel in a trout or salmon. It ain't real. They bite.

JIMINY: (More firmly.) I need the numbers.

SHERRY: (Pulls a POLICE RADIO from her BELT. Speaking into it.) Say, Christy.

VOICE FROM RADIO: Over.

SHERRY: This is Car Seven.

VOICE FROM RADIO: Go ahead, Sherry.

SHERRY: Can you stop MySpace hopping a second to go over and pull tonight's lottery numbers for me off the web?

VOICE FROM RADIO: Ahh, copy. I can do that. (Beat.) Having a rough night, sweetie?

SHERRY: No. Just need them to negotiate a hostage situation.

VOICE FROM RADIO: (Excited.) Really!? You need back up.

SHERRY: Ah, negatore on that. (Beat.) Just need them for Jiminy. Here with that Wilson Carter fella.

JIMINY looks around confused goes to the DOOR. Looks outside.

VOICE FROM RADIO: Hey, Jiminy!

JIMINY: Hey, Christy!

ELAINE: She can't hear you.

VOICE FROM RADIO: Let's see. Uh, here they are -- 11, 17, 22, 31, 35, 37.

JIMINY: Ah, damn! Hosed again!

SHERRY: Thanks, Christy. He ain't joining no country clubs with those.

VOICE FROM RADIO: Sorry, Jiminy. (Beat.) Later, Car Seven.

ELAINE: (To Jiminy.) You didn't even check your numbers.

JIMINY: Got ‘em right here. (Points to his head.) Memorized ‘em. No use wasting time every week having to pull out the ticket. Wasted energy. Either it is or it isn't. A winner. (Beat.) You said something about Holden. Where's he?

ELAINE: Coming along shortly. He had to return some outdoor gear we rented.

SHERRY: Outdoor gear? Where'd you go?

ELAINE: Roughing it up at Mount Rainier the past three days.

JIMINY: Where on Rainier?

ELAINE: Paradise Lodge.

JIMINY: That big old modern place with room service, running water, all that?

ELAINE: Yeah, that's the one.

JIMINY: That ain't roughing it. In fact, realistically, I'd say you were smoothing it.

SHERRY: (Walks to refrigerator, helps herself to a SODA.) You know this is unhealthy.

JIMINY: What's that?

SHERRY: Saturday night. Home. Watching TV.

JIMINY: Well, I was gonna start my marathon training tonight but the rain, sort of, how shall we say, altered my best laid plans.

ELAINE: Wow! Marathon. I ran the St. Patrick's 10K a month back. But running a marathon, that's impressive.

JIMINY and SHERRY both look at her glibly and shake their heads in disbelief.

SHERRY: You got to start doing something. Best I got you figured for right now, you're headed for old and lonely with a shack full of cats.

JIMINY: I will not end up with a houseful of cats.

ELAINE: I think she's right. (Sheepishly.) I mean, just looking around.

JIMINY: I'm allergic to cats.

There is a KNOCK on the DOOR.

SHERRY: Oh, that must be Wilson Carter.

JIMINY: Who?

SHERRY opens the DOOR. WILSON ENTERS.

SHERRY: (Introduces them.) Wilson Carter, this is Jiminy Glass. (She hands WILSON the TOWEL she has been carrying.) Jiminy, Wilson Carter.

JIMINY: Figured that out.

WILSON extends his hand to SHAKE. JIMINY puts the BEER CAN in it.

JIMINY (cont'd): Pleased to meet you. (Points toward sink.) Can you toss this in the garbage over there? I just seem to miss when I give it the old Michael Jordan.

WILSON takes the CAN and gingerly places it in the GARBAGE CAN. He stoops and picks up a few other cans on the floor around it and puts them in.

WILSON: Uh, sure. (Beat.) So, uh, Mr. Glass. Did Officer Prentice tell you why I'm here?

SHERRY: I was just getting to that.

ELAINE: (Giggling.) Bounty hunter?

SHERRY: No. They don't usually show up with police in tow. Mr. Carter is a naturalist with the DNR.

JIMINY: DNR!? (Puzzled. He looks at Sherry, then the others.) I want to be resuscitated.

ELAINE: What?

JIMINY: If something happens to me, try and bring me back. Defibulator, all that shock treatment stuff.

SHERRY: No. No. No. The Department of Natural Resources.

JIMINY: Ah, sorry. "E.R." was just on. (He motions to the TV.)

SHERRY: Like I said. Alone. Cats.

WILSON steps over and shakes hands with JIMINY.

WILSON: I am proud to be the first to congratulate you, sir. You have one of the few Oregon Silverspot butterfly nesting sites known to men.

JIMINY: What's that mean? Is that good? Do I get a reward?

SHERRY: Oh god!

WILSON: It means --

SHERRY: Now, Jiminy. You know how important the environment is.

JIMINY: I don't like the sound of this.

WILSON: It means --

SHERRY: Your momma and daddy moved you out here because they loved all them trees.

WILSON: It means --

ELAINE: You're screwed.

JIMINY: How's that?

ELAINE: We're all screwed.

WILSON: Means you have one of only five known nesting places on the planet for the Oregon Silverspot Butterfly. The perfect environment to aid the Oregon Silverspot in making it's way back from near extinction.

JIMINY: Well that sucks -- for the butterfly. (Beat.) I'm a John Hancock away from selling this property to some strip mall developer from Evergreen Pike.

WILSON: Unfortunately sir. This document (WILSON SIGNS it before handing the YELLOW COPY to JIMINY and the PINK COPY to SHERRY; WILSON keeps the WHITE COPY) says no new development can be done within a quarter of a mile to injure this environment. Very fragile.

JIMINY: That's bullshit. It's my property. And some's my brothers'. We're selling it.

WILSON: Oh, it doesn't prevent sale. Only use.

ELAINE: Wait until Holden hears this. (She pulls out her cell phone and hits a number on speed dial.) Sugarlips, it's me. We got trouble. Where are you?

JIMINY: I'll sell this to whoever I want whenever I want.

ELAINE: Ah, no. Some DNR asshole. (Realizes Wilson is still standing there. Covers the phone receiver and whispers to him.) Sorry, don't mean anything by it. (Back into the phone.) Yeah, he says you can sell but not to anyone who wants to develop on it.

JIMINY: Is that what he said? (Looks at Wilson.) I didn't hear you exactly say that. Did you?

SHERRY: That's what this piece of paper says.

WILSON: Of course, you can fight it in court.

JIMINY: Sure, this mansion is all just a cover up. Johnny Cochran is standing by on retainer twenty four-seven to take any and all of my legal calls. (Beat. Looks at the paper, then Wilson.) Get out!

SHERRY: Whoa, Jiminy, now--

JIMINY: (To Sherry.) You go with him. (Snatches the towels out of their hands.) Give me this.

SHERRY: Easy. Don't do anything crazy.

WILSON: You cannot cut, snip or trim a tree, blackberry bush, wetland grasses or other natural environment without prior permission from the Department of Natural Resources and the Protected Species Agency.

JIMINY: I'll do whatever I damn well please with my property.

SHERRY: Don't do it Jiminy. I gotta warn you. It's punishable as a Class Two Felony with a maximum $50,000 fine and five years in jail.

JIMINY: Over some freaking butterflies?!

ELAINE: (Into the phone.) You better get over here fast. We got some rare butterfly nest and can't sell to the Evergreen Pike people. (She hangs up.)

JIMINY: Go!

WILSON and SHERRY EXIT. JIMINY walks to the refrigerator and takes out a beer. Opens it takes a swig.

JIMINY (cont'd): (To Elaine.) Want one?

ELAINE: Errr, sure.

JIMINY takes another one out and hands her the one he had open.

ELAINE (cont'd): Uh, can I have that one? (She points to the other beer.)

JIMINY: Yeah, whatever floats your boat. Same beer.

JIMINY hands ELAINE the BEER he did not drink out of. She looks at him a moment. He takes another swig from his beer. She takes a deep breath and slams the beer.

JIMINY (cont'd): I like you better already. (Beat.) Want another?

ELAINE: Sure. (She burps.) Excuse me. Please.

JIMINY walks back to his CHAIR and sits down.

JIMINY: Help yourself. You know where they are.

ELAINE walks to the refrigerator and takes another beer.

ELAINE: Thanks. (She takes a long swig.) I'm going to drink this one slower.

JIMINY: Don't do it on my account. I was impressed with the way you pounded that first one. Took my mind off how I'm going to wipe out one of the five Motel 6's in the world for some wimpy ass butterfly that can't figure out how to bang a gong and get it on except in my backyard.

JIMINY flips channels on his TV with the REMOTE. Elaine sits down and drinks her beer. She reacts positively to channels that he abruptly changes and negatively to those he leaves on longer.

ELAINE: Umm, I'm ready.

JIMINY: Wha?

ELAINE: For my interview. That's why I came earlier than Holden. He said --

JIMINY: Yeah, all right. Now I remember. He called a week or two ago. Said you were headed this way. I told him --

ELAINE: It's the strangest thing.

JIMINY gives her an evil eye look.

ELAINE (cont'd): But logical when you think about it. Surprising that more people don't insist on it.

JIMINY: Let me get my notebook.

JIMINY goes over to a DRAWER and pulls out a NOTEBOOK and PEN. Goes back to his CHAIR.

ELAINE: Holden said that you always do this.

JIMINY: Not always. (Beat.) Obviously didn't do it with that DNR asshole. (Beat.) Just with anyone I'm going to have more than a passing connection with.

ELAINE: Why? (JIMINY glares at her.) Well, I think I know. (Beat. Then, timidly.) But I'd like to hear from you.

JIMINY: People influence you. Whether you like it or not. So I just figured that anyone I'm going to let into my life more than some Brownie trying to sell me Thin Mints at the door, should have the same, or at least similar, morals and beliefs that fit with the direction I plan on heading with my life. Make sense?

ELAINE: Holden seems to think this is okay.

JIMINY: I promise, no one will be killed in the process of this interview.

ELAINE: I still think it's a little strange. (Beat.) But reassuring that it will not result in death.

JIMINY: I'll note that as your opening comment. Probably not the way I'd start out trying to impress someone.

ELAINE: Oh! We've started?

JIMINY: (Points to himself.) Interviewer. (Points to ELAINE.) Interviewee.

ELAINE: Well alright. Do you prefer Jim or Jiminy?

JIMINY: Did Holden say something?

ELAINE: No. I just assumed. That maybe --

JIMINY: Jiminy. It's my name. Has worked for a number of years.

ELAINE: No one, well, giggles? (She giggles.)

JIMINY: Of course, I use that type of reaction as my abbreviated interview when I meet someone new. It covers the maturity part of the interview.

ELAINE: I see. (She tries to create a serious face.)

JIMINY: Let's move on then. (Beat.) How do you interpret inkblots?

ELAINE: I don't understand the question.

JIMINY: What do you usually see when you look at them? Clouds? Butterflies? Excuse my French, vaginas?

ELAINE: Depends on the inkblot.

JIMINY: But usually.

ELAINE: I don't have a penchant to see one thing over another.

JIMINY: Hmm, good answer. Usually, people bend to my insistence and answer something. Independent thinking. I like that. (Beat.) Have you had premarital sex with Holden?

ELAINE: I'm not going to answer that.

JIMINY: With anyone?

ELAINE: I believe in discretion.

JIMINY: As it suits you. Okay. (Beat.) Eat hot dogs?

ELAINE: Come on.

JIMINY: What?

ELAINE: You're not serious. You go from premarital sex questions to do I eat hot dogs.

JIMINY: You're reading something into that question that's not there. (Beat. Writes in his notebook.) Noted.

ELAINE: All right. Sorry. It's a fine question. (Beat.) Uh, not in a long time.

JIMINY: Please expand on that answer.

ELAINE: I'm not really sure what's in them. Uh, I used to eat them a lot as a kid. Food of choice in our family when my cousins and our parents got together for birthday parties. It was easy. The kids all ate hot dogs. Lots of ketchup.

JIMINY: Hmmm, ketchup on your hot dog. (He writes in his notebook.) Interesting.

ELAINE: And other things. As I got older. Mustard. Sometimes relish or onions.

JIMINY: Not mayonnaise?

ELAINE: (Sizing up Jiminy for reaction.) Uh, uh, no. (Jiminy nods.) Was that the right answer? (Jiminy shrugs.)

JIMINY: Boiled? Barbecued? Other?

ELAINE: Other?

JIMINY: Micro-wave. Raw. Pureed.

ELAINE: Ah! (Beat.) Whatever fits the occasion. (She smiles pleased with herself.)

JIMINY: But not lately?

ELAINE: Uh, no, not really. But given the opportunity--

JIMINY: Not even at a Mariners' game?

ELAINE: No. Sushi. Definitely, sushi.

JIMINY: At a baseball game!!? (Shakes his head and looks down sadly.) Let's move on then. Hmm. (Beat.) More important money or love?

ELAINE: Ahh, an easy one. Love.

JIMINY: So take off your bracelet.

ELAINE looks at JIMINY puzzled. She removes her BRACELET.

JIMINY (cont'd): Duh, hand it to me.

ELAINE gives JIMINY the BRACELET. He walks to the BACK DOOR, out onto the BACK PORCH.

ELAINE: Where are you going?

JIMINY hurls the BRACELET out into the back woods.

ELAINE (cont'd): Ohh shit!! You did not do that! (Holding her head in her hand.) That's, that's a four thousand dollar bracelet.

JIMINY sits back in his CHAIR. Writes in his NOTEBOOK.

JIMINY: Interesting. Not, Holden gave that to me, but that's a four thousand dollar bracelet.

ELAINE: Holden did give it to me and he's going to kill me. Or you, when I tell him what happened.

JIMINY: What was the occasion?

ELAINE: Because he loved me. Just because.

JIMINY: Well, okay. Sure. (Beat. Writes in his notebook.) Just wanted to make sure she'd fuck him more often.

ELAINE: (Grabbing his hand from writing. Angrily.) That is not what I said.

JIMINY: Oh, so blow jobs were involved too.

ELAINE: He gave me that bracelet because he loved me.

JIMINY: And why did you take it?

ELAINE: (Long pause. Stymied by the question.) Well. Because I loved him back.